Sunday, May 29, 2005

Cuts like

British government-employed medical doctors, reacting to a report that crime is on the increase (in the wake of the confiscation of firearms in Great Britain), and that much of the crime involves the use of knives, including long, pointed kitchen knives, suggest that, according to restauranteurs, long, pointed knives aren't needed to prepare food. Thus, the doctors suggest doing away with them throughout Great Britain.

I have a modest proposal which should more than satisfy British government-employed doctors. This, of course, follows guidelines cobbled into place by the U.S. federal government's Home Security Administration to effect safety in airports and on airliners throughout the United States.

First, all food processors, restaurant chefs and their staffs, butchers and others whose employment requires the use of edged instruments have to be placed under the employ of the Crown. Next, all sharp, pointed and edged objects must be confiscated from throughout Great Britain and placed in the care of the Crown, or destroyed.

Food offered to the public for sale must be prepared in bite-sized bits, so that knives aren't needed in the home. The Queen's scribes shall develop cookbooks to teach the public how to cook wonderful stews and casseroles according to safer, injury-free cooking methods. No cutting, slicing, dicing or peeling need be done, except by qualified, trained technicians in the Queen's food industry.

This, in order to keep the Queen's subjects safe from an implement that had been plaguing Britain since the Dark Days of our Celtic, Roman and Germanic ancestors. Knives. We now have it within our means to put an end to this scourge once and for all.

We hereby announce a merger between the Wilkinson Steel Company and the Dunlop Rubber Company to produce semi-flexible table paddles for the home for use spreading marmalades, butter and other foods. These paddles will not be brittle or breakable, like plastics, nor dangerous, like knives.

The crown intends to eradicate violent injury and death by means of unnecessary and dangerous implements post haste, and if the elimination of both guns and knives will not do it, there is till one more step to be taken.

Unfortunately, David Carr of Samizdata has made it public, and now both British doctors and the Crown know what they must do: the next step is to do away with opposable thumbs.

They've killed Freedom! Those Bastards!

Warm Regards,

Col. Hogan
Stalag California

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