At Last! An End To Global Warming!

If an individual is going to accept the algorians' assertion that the actions of human beings is causing the climate of the planet to warm, one has first to conclude that human action, of the sort of which mankind is currently capable and in which we are involved, can cause climate change. If we are capable of causing global warming, we should also be able to cause global cooling.

According to Vin Suprynowics, a columnist for the Las Vegas Review-Journal, in this column, we need first figure out how global cooling was achieved in the past. Suprynowics begins by deftly deflating the comic seriousness of the algorians thusly:

"If warming continues at the present rate, the most significant impact is likely to be a small increase in the amount of previously frozen ground on which people could grow wheat."

He then continues onward to point out the circumstances which have caused planetary cooling in the past:

"How about examining the historical record for the approximately 200 years for which we have reliable weather data? Look to see if there was a period when the weather cooled down, all of a sudden, and what caused it.

"Google "Year Without a Summer." From April 5 to 15, 1815, Mount Tambora on the island of Sumbawa in the Dutch East Indies (modern-day Indonesia) blew up, ejecting 40 cubic kilometers of volcanic ash (more than twice as much as the 1883 explosion of Krakatoa) into the upper atmosphere."

And the result:

"That stuff stayed up there, in the jet stream, for more than a year. Sunlight was reflected off that orbiting cloud of crap and had trouble getting through. The 'Year Without a Summer,' known colloquially as 'Eighteen hundred and froze to death,' was 1816, in which severe summer climate abnormalities destroyed crops in Northern Europe, the American Northeast, eastern Canada and even China."

The solution is obvious:

"Clearly, if anyone believes Earth is warming catastrophically and that we need to do something, the only proven solution is to start throwing as much crap into the atmosphere as we possibly can, right now.

"Clean nuclear and natural-gas-fired power plants must be shut down and immediately replaced with coal plants burning the softest, dirtiest coal -- peat would be better -- that can be found. "Smog inspections" will take on a new meaning as our cars will be checked regularly to make sure each is pouring out the densest possible cloud of carbon particulates and lifesaving black soot.

"Since every little bit counts, we may also have to make tobacco smoking mandatory for everyone above the age of 10."

Obviously, Suprynowics is taking the entire algorian hoax with the entire grain of salt it deserves, as am I. This is why I drive a big old pre-smog device V-8 station wagon and use only incandescent light bulbs in my house. I'd even take up smoking, if I could afford it after buying thirty-six gallons of gas a week.

One must do his part in the war against global warming.

Tip of the battered grey fedora to Rush Limbaugh, who observed that "a columnist from LVRJ" wrote the column, but never credited Mr Suprynowics by name.

Remember, you can't trust any air you can't see.

Warm regards,

Col. Hogan
Stalag California